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I pray I get the house sold quicly at a good price so I can start my life again at a new place and with new people and new energies. Luckily we have a place to stay in the new town, Arendal. We got a nice appartment almost at the edge of the woods. no houses in front of us, just a pasture. and we got our own little garden patch and patio. Things just seem to work them self out in the end. Thank the Goddes for that. I just have to hope that it will continue to be so.
blessed be...
I did something scary today. Something that has had my shoulders all the way up to my ears for days. My physiotherapist said my neck was worse than it has been for a long while. So back to the scary thing, I was a witness in court. I had to testify about some domestic disturbance, loud partying and broken beer bottles at the place where we used to live. It's about a young boy that can't seem to agree to the rules in the place so they want him out of there and that requires a court order. When I lived there I observed some things and they knew it and so I had to go to court. I have never been in the court before so it was really scary. When I parked the car I had a really high pulse and had to take deep breaths to calm my self.
When I was waiting to go in I asked for help from the God and Goddess again, as I had done in the days before. I protected my self with white light and tried to be calm. Then I blessed myself in the fivefold kiss. I finished with doing the crone hand sign, almost hugging my self as I asked the Crone and the Wise old Man to be with me so that I could have strength and wisdom to say the right tings. Especially the last part I felt helped. I could feel the Strong powerful God stand at my back guarding me so that no harm could come to me, I could also see the wise old Goddess stand beside me smiling encouragingly telling me I could do this. I don't know how the thing went, I felt still a bit dizzy and had to hold on to the table when speaking, but I felt my truth was made clear and I think I answered as good and honestly as I could. I guess it could not be better. I sincerely offer my thanks to the God and Goddess for the help they give me.
- Mood:
thankful
Just a week ago I felt strong by my self and today I feel little and powerless as the smallest ant. I keep grounding my self and seeking for the healing powers around and within me, and hope for the best. I do as little as possible save my energy to the most essensial part of my life, caring for the kids. I still feel the Divinity around me as strong as I have recently, maybe even more, so I know I am not alone and all will be well in the long run. I just wish it would be easier right now.
Already at a young age I thought lots about religion and read a lot about it. I know I read the whole bible at the age of 14. I remember reading it as a good book, as any of the many books I read, finding good things and bad things in it.
If you had asked me if I was a witch at the age of 9 and older, you would propably get the answer yes. I always played indan in the woods around my school. And I was always the shaman, medicine woman of my tribe. I even did my own seremonies at this young age. I remember one mothers day, it's in may in Finland where I lived at the time, I had made a mothersday card at school. My mother died of cancer when I was 7, but I still believed she was around me. I went in the forest to one of my favourite places where a little stream made an island of some big rock in it's middle. There I made a fire using a magnifying glass, it was a safe place surrounded by water after all. I burned the card, knowing it would reach my mother and danced around the fire.
When I grew up in Finlanf, I didn't have any wiccans nearby, we were a quite non religous family, we never went to church or anything like that. I never found any books that I remember about wicca, and the net wasn't really there in the mid to end of 80's. So there wasn't much info I could get. The school books covered the big international religions, Christianity, judeism, islam, hindu, buddhist and some local variants on christianity, but not much else.
I remember making my own theory about religion when I was about 14. The basic was that all religions started from the same source that just got understod differently by different people. I also thought that no one was totally right and no totally wrong. It was all written down by people, not gods, it was practised by people and so how could anyone really claim they were the only right way? Why did we fight ower religion when every belief came originally from the same place? To my thinking I could go to church and feel the contact with divinity and I could do the same thing in the forest, no real difference.
So where am I going with this?
I think I'm finding my way back to myself lately. As I read my new books and then remember, yes I thought this when I was 12, then I feel kind of at home in wicca. Like I always was there I just didn't know it. I love the part where I read that we do not claim to be the only right path to divinity. That kind of put my mind at ease and I thought yes, I belong here. The openness, that theese authors lay as ground for their belief lets me breathe, it makes me feel like I am a part of something bigger, but I can still be me. I can stil feel and believe in the Divinity my way.
Everything I care about in this world I love in some way. My most powerful feeling of love is the love I have for my two children, of course. Just like I believe a Creator, I choose to mostly call her Goddess, has love for her creations, including but not limited to us humans.
Can we exist without love or at least the hope of love? I know I coudn't, but then I choose to love, to love people, feelings, things, experiences.
( more thoughts on love in my life )
What am I thinking about this morning. Well in my part of the world, the cold north, it's cold. No surprise there I guess. The weather outside is kind of like my life right now, full of contrasts. When I sit in my house, at the table by the candle flame, and it's warm, then it's wonderful and so beautiful it almost hurts outside. The light is a deep blue making all the trees covered in snow shine of light blue to smokey blues to dark greens in the morning light just before the sun rises. That's another thing I actually like about the winter you don't have to get up too early to see the sunrise. Today it's foggy, so by the time the blue fades away everything is white. The whole world is covered in a blanket of soft white. Of course when I actually have to go outside to take my kids to school and daycare, it's not so fun. It's of course freezing, ok not as bad as yesterday, but still I have to scrape Ice of the car before we can go anywhere. One more thing the broom is good at, taking away the layers of snow of the car.
But this winter weather makes me think about my life right now. They kind of compare each other. My life is on ice right now, nothing much happening, in a waiting game to see what happens later. How can life be so dark, so down right tired, exhausted, depressive? I struggle to get the everyday things like dishes and washing of clothes done, not to mention how the house actually is more or less a mess. I can't even get really started on my masters degree as I fall asleep after 30 minutes of reading. that's one side of it. It could be just this, but I always look to find the silver lining in every situation, that's just me, and when I'm not doing that anymore you have to hospitalize me. The fun thing is (and yes I mean fun, even in depression, whats the point in being miserable if you can't laugh at it.) I always find some kind of light. I smile every day, some days lots some days less. Lately I find myself just grinning to myself. There is so much fun around me. For one I have two great kids, and I do a good job looking after them and loving them. That's a big part of my positivity. I made myself a Jayne hat you know from the show Firefly, and the hat is just downright fun. I smile every time I put it on, then I smile at all the people who smile at the hat or me wearing that hat, I don't care, I just made someone smile! Ok watching the Firefly on dvd makes me smile too, the humor is just great. Then I found some great stories online. I don't know if you read it, but if you like vampires and elves and are not afraid of reading something erotic I really recommend you to read the Shadow Agency by Dianne Sylvan. Her writing is full of humor and warmth and erotics. It's beautifully written. It makes me want to write again, so maybe I will get one of my stories out again and work on them, maybe some day someone will be inspired by my stories... For now I will just go on smiling and enjoying the beauty of everyday life and thank the Goddess for this ability to smile and see beauty in everything.
Have you lighted an incense stick and just sat there watching the smoke?
I find that in my daily life the beauty and love of the divine pops up more and more often. I lighted a stick of jasmine incense one day. Although I was sitting at the table at the end of a dinner, with kids, 4 of them, running or sitting around me, the world just seemed a bit quieter than usual. You know when you feel your pulse slow down just a tick, shoulders dropping an inch. The smoke seemed to dance in front of me, curl in beautiful whirls, make itself into the most beautiful patterns I wish I could tattoo to my skin, but they disappeared like the smoke they where. Then and there I closed my eyes and felt the Goddess touch my face, caress my cheeks with Her wail, I felt blessed, truly divinely blessed. In this moment of time I felt truly as my self and knew I could do anything I wanted I just had to try.
These glimpses to divinity in everyday life are everywhere and I find myself discovering and cherishing them, holding to my heart that my life really is blessed no mather what other circumstances may occur. It's just in the eye of the beholder. Oh, and by the way, if something is spelled wrong or my use of wording is off, it's just because english isn't my first language.
- Mood:
thoughtful
